Sweet Tweets

3-D is a good type of movie but a bad type of bra size.

Everyone knows about the one phone call from jail, but you never hear about the UNLIMITED TEXTING.

Seems like a life coach’s first job should be to coach himself to get a better job than life coach.

It’s less whimsical to be an eccentric thousandaire.

Posted just before Rosh Hashana: Dear Jews: want something new to worry about? Y6K is just around the corner!

A little bird told me I’m schizophrenic.

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff.

Las Vegas is what would happen if a spam filter came to life.

When I tell you no one’s ever thrown me a surprise party, just know that I’m not counting interventions.

4 out of 1 dentists have multiple personality disorder.

Long distance relationships are tough. I mean, how do they seriously expect me to stay at least 500 yards away from my ex at all times??

I’ll have a glass of 1% milk. Please make the other 99% Kahlúa.