Emily Dickinson—Dashed

Alexandra Petri introduces the poet to tech support for help with her keyboard.

Illustration of Emily Dickinson talking to tech support

Illustration by Barbara Kelley

Professional funny person Alexandra Petri ’10, who lightens up the pages of The Washington Post (and occasionally these pages: see harvardmag.com/petri-18), has confected a new book: A[lexandra] P[etri’s] U.S. History: Important American Documents (W.W. Norton, $27.95). Lest overzealous high-schoolers memorize them, note that all originate in her imagination. As this sample shows, she is no slouch at nailing other people's styles.

Emily Dickinson Chats with Tech Support

Derek: Hi, there! Thank you so much for contacting customer support, Emily! How can I help?

Emily: I Cannot Write In Sentence  Case
I Look—to You—for Aid
And If—I Rest—My Hands
Upon the Keys—A Dash is   Made
I do not Mean—to Write
Like This—It is no Proper Hand
Why it Inserts—such Dashes
I Cannot Understand
I Wish—to write Words— Normally

Derek: Hey Emily! I’m so sorry for the keyboard issue. It sounds like a hardware problem.

Emily: Dear Thomas Wentworth Higginson
Says—I Have Got—A Style
But I don’t Mean to Have  A—Style
I need my—Keyboard Fixed

Derek: I’m going to need you to turn your machine off and on again.

Emily: Having it Once Turned Off
Can I—Be Sure—It Will Return?
I fear Much to Dispatch It to
That Undiscover’d Bourne

Derek: This is just a standard thing we tell everyone to do with their machines and should not be a problem, Emily!

Emily: I shall Attempt—
To Dispatch It—
Into this Silent Realm
Beyond where—Mousy Tooth  may Gnaw
Or Rust and Moth Consume

Derek: Emily, have you restarted your machine?

Emily: I have Emerged from  Joysome—Death

Related topics

You might also like

The Artist Edward Gorey—and Pets—at Harvard

Winter exhibits at Houghton Library   

Parks and Rec Comedy Writer Aisha Muharrar Gets Serious about Grief

With Loved One, the Harvard grad and Lampoon veteran makes her debut as a novelist.

Must-Read Harvard Books Winter 2025

From aphorisms to art heists to democracy’s necessary conditions 

Most popular

What Trump Means for John Roberts's Legacy

Executive power is on the docket at the Supreme Court.

The Harvard Professor Who Quantified Democracy

Erica Chenoweth’s data shows how—and when—authoritarians fall.

Harvard’s Endowment, Donations Rise—but the University Runs a Deficit

The annual financial report signals severe challenges to come.

Explore More From Current Issue

A diverse group of adults and children holding hands, standing on varying levels against a light blue background.

Why America’s Strategy For Reducing Racial Inequality Failed

Harvard professor Christina Cross debunks the myth of the two-parent Black family.

A vibrant bar scene with tropical decor, featuring patrons sitting on high stools.

Best Bars for Seasonal Drinks and Snacks in Greater Boston

Gathering spots that warm and delight us  

A man in a gray suit sits confidently in a vintage armchair, holding a glass.

The Life of a Harvard Spy

Richard Skeffington Welch’s illustrious—and clandestine—career in the CIA