Emily Dickinson—Dashed

Illustration of Emily Dickinson talking to tech support

Illustration by Barbara Kelley

Professional funny person Alexandra Petri ’10, who lightens up the pages of The Washington Post (and occasionally these pages: see harvardmag.com/petri-18), has confected a new book: A[lexandra] P[etri’s] U.S. History: Important American Documents (W.W. Norton, $27.95). Lest overzealous high-schoolers memorize them, note that all originate in her imagination. As this sample shows, she is no slouch at nailing other people's styles.

Emily Dickinson Chats with Tech Support

Derek: Hi, there! Thank you so much for contacting customer support, Emily! How can I help?

Emily: I Cannot Write In Sentence  Case
I Look—to You—for Aid
And If—I Rest—My Hands
Upon the Keys—A Dash is   Made
I do not Mean—to Write
Like This—It is no Proper Hand
Why it Inserts—such Dashes
I Cannot Understand
I Wish—to write Words— Normally

Derek: Hey Emily! I’m so sorry for the keyboard issue. It sounds like a hardware problem.

Emily: Dear Thomas Wentworth Higginson
Says—I Have Got—A Style
But I don’t Mean to Have  A—Style
I need my—Keyboard Fixed

Derek: I’m going to need you to turn your machine off and on again.

Emily: Having it Once Turned Off
Can I—Be Sure—It Will Return?
I fear Much to Dispatch It to
That Undiscover’d Bourne

Derek: This is just a standard thing we tell everyone to do with their machines and should not be a problem, Emily!

Emily: I shall Attempt—
To Dispatch It—
Into this Silent Realm
Beyond where—Mousy Tooth  may Gnaw
Or Rust and Moth Consume

Derek: Emily, have you restarted your machine?

Emily: I have Emerged from  Joysome—Death

Click here for the March-April 2023 issue table of contents

You might also like

Five Questions with Professor Peter Der Manuelian

Harvard professor of Egyptology on unsolved mysteries, cats, and the beauty of ancient craftsmanship.

“A Game of Inches”

Harvard women’s basketball prepares for its rematch with Columbia. 

Nieman Foundation Leader Departs

Ann Marie Lipinski led the organization through a time of unprecedented change for journalism.

Most popular

The Green Star State

Cheap renewable energy could position Texas to become a major producer of clean hydrogen fuel.

Safe Streets

Working to curb road deaths

Social Media Use and Adult Depression

A survey reveals suprising links between social media use and depression in adults.

Explore More From Current Issue

Is Gambling Becoming a Public Health Crisis?

Responding to the explosive growth of online gambling and sports betting, a new report urges governments to regulate with public health in mind.

The New Boston Athenaeum

Find “the joy of discovery and power of this unique place.”

A Contentious Era for U.S. Higher Education

President emeritus Neil L. Rudenstine on changes in the academy and society that made universities more contentious—and diminished support for humane learning