Emily Dickinson—Dashed

Professional funny person Alexandra Petri ’10, who lightens up the pages of The Washington Post (and occasionally these pages: see harvardmag.com/petri-18), has confected a new book: A[lexandra] P[etri’s] U.S. History: Important American Documents (W.W. Norton, $27.95). Lest overzealous high-schoolers memorize them, note that all originate in her imagination. As this sample shows, she is no slouch at nailing other people's styles.

Emily Dickinson Chats with Tech Support

Derek: Hi, there! Thank you so much for contacting customer support, Emily! How can I help?

Emily: I Cannot Write In Sentence  Case
I Look—to You—for Aid
And If—I Rest—My Hands
Upon the Keys—A Dash is   Made
I do not Mean—to Write
Like This—It is no Proper Hand
Why it Inserts—such Dashes
I Cannot Understand
I Wish—to write Words— Normally

Derek: Hey Emily! I’m so sorry for the keyboard issue. It sounds like a hardware problem.

Emily: Dear Thomas Wentworth Higginson
Says—I Have Got—A Style
But I don’t Mean to Have  A—Style
I need my—Keyboard Fixed

Derek: I’m going to need you to turn your machine off and on again.

Emily: Having it Once Turned Off
Can I—Be Sure—It Will Return?
I fear Much to Dispatch It to
That Undiscover’d Bourne

Derek: This is just a standard thing we tell everyone to do with their machines and should not be a problem, Emily!

Emily: I shall Attempt—
To Dispatch It—
Into this Silent Realm
Beyond where—Mousy Tooth  may Gnaw
Or Rust and Moth Consume

Derek: Emily, have you restarted your machine?

Emily: I have Emerged from  Joysome—Death